DOWN WITH SPORTS

I have officially become a single mother for the duration of the fall sports season. My husband abandons me and his children for the love of a pigskin ball and a team men he has never met.

I HATE FOOTBALL.

I'd like to pretend I'm one of those sweet wives that that brings her hubby snacks and asks about the stats of the game- or one who gets into the game with him and wears the colors of his favorite team, but really I'm just huffing around the house, cursing him under my breath for his useless state and being angry at him for monopolizing the T.V. I can think of nothing redeemable about this sport. It's not like we know any of these people & we're not making any money off of these games so why is it soo important to watch each and every dad-blamed game? I mean, if Dan was at least betting on these games and making me some money- I wouldn't complain so much!

It doesn't matter if it's a team he loves or not, if there is a ball on the screen, He WILL be watching it. Dan undergoes some serious physical and personality changes while Football is on. He is suddenly unable to hear anything except the commentators on T.V.- even if the children are screaming or I'm asking him to take out the trash (for the 15th time), he is unable to get himself off the couch for a drink, push the down button for the volume on the remote control or eat anything at the kitchen table. He suddenly is able to weave a tapestry of naughty words at any bad call or fumble (I call this ESPN Touretts), able to remain in the same spot on the couch for hours at a time and get CRAZY irritated if any of us try to change the channel. And then- to top it off, he has to listen to the re-cap of each game and have other men explain to him what he has just watched. It drives me crazy!!

And what really kills me is that it's only going to get worse- I have 3 boys. Odds are, I'm going to have at least one who is a football junkie. Dan already has them watching and cheering with him every time and every time I ask him to switch it to PBS or something for the kids-he has them trained to say "I Want Football!" If by some twist of fate they don't choose Football- then it will be some other sport with a stupid ball and a lot of time wasting. I must have done something terrible in another life to be cursed with all the sports I'm going to have to pretend to have interest in. I'm afraid a major attitude adjustment is in the works because there are so many bleachers and scoreboards in my future. Would it be considered uncool to cut the T.V. cord or cancel the Dish Service? Hmmm